We’re an exotic breed, we who were abused as kids. My husband would probably joke, “Exotic? That’s not quite how I’d define it…” I’ll ask him, and tell you a few paragraphs down. Nevertheless, it’s true. Exotic: strikingly, excitingly, or mysteriously different or unusual. Take “different or unusual” for a moment. I felt, as a child, a teenager, and then early adult that I had been plucked from a different planet and placed on earth. I walked around inside a body, but the core of me, all that was me, knew I carried the weight of the shame of our family. I was borderless, lost inside myself and … [Read more...]
Sunglasses On The Soul
I have a pair of expensive sunglasses, a gift from my husband on one of those decade birthdays. I love them. They surround my eyes in such a way that I can drive the boat, water ski or SUP (standup paddleboard) and not have sunlight momentarily blind me by its brightness or reflection off the water. My eyes feel like I’ve stepped into a shady forest glade when I slip on those gorgeous frames. Since expensive sunglasses aren’t my usual fare, it doesn’t hurt my spirit either. I’m not sure why my gymnastic mind took me from sunglasses to soul today, but it did. Recently I thought about the … [Read more...]
I Have Sinned, and Fallen Short
I have sinned…and fallen short…sort of. On Sunday my husband John and I went exploring. We drove to the St. Joe River (which empties into Lake Coeur d’Alene at the southern end) and then followed it up into the mountains. What a gloriously beautiful part of the world. We stopped along the way to take in a particularly lovely view, or historic markers, and to chat with a fisherman. It’s because of him I sinned. By the way, I love watching fly fishermen work the river. It’s a graceful art form. Really. But back to my sin. They say confession is good for the soul. I haven’t been on the … [Read more...]
Forgive But Don’t Forget
Please don’t forget. Forgive and forget are not synonymous, although my background would suggest they are. All my life it was “forgive and forget,” which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense – if you’re my parents. Forgetting was the same as pretending it, whatever “it” was, never happened in my family. Michelle had my dad’s baby? Erase her off the whiteboard of our life. No pictures, no reference allowed, no contact. She, the victim, was shunned. Sent away and forgotten. Except, of course, she wasn’t. She was a terrible wound that festered just beneath the surface of our lives, all … [Read more...]
I Miss My Daddy
Maybe it’s that I’ve had two surgeries in three weeks and my carefully crafted “soft armor” slipped. Maybe it’s simply that now and then a little arrow of loss targets a heart and slips through to connect. Maybe it’s the lie perched on a tongue that says “I’m fine,” when “fine” is the least common denominator at that particular moment. Today, while looking for a photograph in my archives, this one fills the screen from a location I didn’t remember it being placed, and makes me cry. One instant I’ve taken note of a mirror smooth river, crisp air and glorious mountains, the next I’m smoothing … [Read more...]
You Are Cordially Invited
Occasion: Laura’s Pity Party Where: The Riverbank When: Really, really soon Everybody needs a good Pity Party now and then – that’s found in the gospel according to the not-feeling-so-saintly-today Laura: Party, Pity vs. 3. A righteous “woe is me, for I am undone,” sort of shindig. Where you can shed emotional altitude like an Osprey diving for supper, spoil for mental mayhem, and not get hung up on the sorry task of plucking your optimism up off the ground. Righteous indignation? Welcome. Liar, liar, pants on fire? Welcome. “I can’t believe” “you wouldn’t guess” “can you imagine?” “who … [Read more...]
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