Forgive, but please don’t forget. Forgive and forget are not synonymous, although my background would suggest they are. All my life it was “forgive and forget,” which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense – if you’re my parents. Forgetting was the same as pretending it, whatever “it” was, never happened in my family. Michelle had my dad’s baby? Erase her off the whiteboard of our life. No pictures, no reference allowed, no contact. She, the victim, was shunned. Sent away and forgotten. Except, of course, she wasn’t. She was a terrible wound that festered just beneath the surface of our … [Read more...]
Holidays Can Be Tough – My Father Died on Thanksgiving Day
Dad died Thanksgiving morning several years ago. To write “dad died” unleashes a snarl of tangled emotions. Love, loss, wishful thinking, anger, ‘if only’s’, why?, longing, forever… I loved that man with wholehearted abandon, until loving him was no longer safe. Even then I longed for what I once had with him. It was early Thanksgiving morning when my sister called with the news. My husband asked, “What would you like to do? We could stay home.” Our plans for the day were to drive to the Russian River and be thankful with friends, to hike, dine together, make music, and connect … [Read more...]
Six Steps to Healing from Child Sexual Abuse
I remember the day I knew I wasn’t crazy. My dad, who had a black belt in manipulation, was the strategist behind the custody war for my children - on behalf of my soon to be ex-husband. At the heart of this maelstrom, lay my shattered self. I'd discovered that my dad was still molesting, my marriage was over, and neither my parents nor my children's father minded aiming through my kids to get at me. I was in this mess because I'd had the audacity to speak the truth about our incestuous family, and was in the process of removing grandparent rights, in protection of my children. A … [Read more...]
Tips for a Survivor’s Spouse
We’re an exotic breed, we who were abused as kids. My husband would probably joke, “Exotic? That’s not quite how I’d define it…” I’ll ask him, and tell you a few paragraphs down. Nevertheless, it’s true. Exotic: strikingly, excitingly, or mysteriously different or unusual. Take “different or unusual” for a moment. I felt, as a child, a teenager, and then early adult that I had been plucked from a different planet and placed on earth. I walked around inside a body, but the core of me, all that was me, knew I carried the weight of the shame of our family. I was borderless, lost inside myself and … [Read more...]
Sunglasses On The Soul
I have a pair of expensive sunglasses, a gift from my husband on one of those decade birthdays. I love them. They surround my eyes in such a way that I can drive the boat, water ski or SUP (standup paddleboard) and not have sunlight momentarily blind me by its brightness or reflection off the water. My eyes feel like I’ve stepped into a shady forest glade when I slip on those gorgeous frames. Since expensive sunglasses aren’t my usual fare, it doesn’t hurt my spirit either. I’m not sure why my gymnastic mind took me from sunglasses to soul today, but it did. Recently I thought about the … [Read more...]
I Have Sinned, and Fallen Short
I have sinned…and fallen short…sort of. On Sunday my husband John and I went exploring. We drove to the St. Joe River (which empties into Lake Coeur d’Alene at the southern end) and then followed it up into the mountains. What a gloriously beautiful part of the world. We stopped along the way to take in a particularly lovely view, or historic markers, and to chat with a fisherman. It’s because of him I sinned. By the way, I love watching fly fishermen work the river. It’s a graceful art form. Really. But back to my sin. They say confession is good for the soul. I haven’t been on the … [Read more...]
