Please don’t forget. Forgive and forget are not synonymous, although my background would suggest they are. All my life it was “forgive and forget,” which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense – if you’re my parents. Forgetting was the same as pretending it, whatever “it” was, never happened in my family. Michelle had my dad’s baby? Erase her off the whiteboard of our life. No pictures, no reference allowed, no contact. She, the victim, was shunned. Sent away and forgotten. Except, of course, she wasn’t. She was a terrible wound that festered just beneath the surface of our lives, all our lives.
By the way, Jesus did not equate forgetting along with forgiving, but that nuance was expertly woven into the tapestry of my religious upbringing. So the underlying message, if you’re me is: if you haven’t forgotten, you haven’t forgiven. A defined shortcoming of character, if not belief. It’s dangerous at best, that old adage, for it tripped me up on my journey to emotional health.
Forgiveness, for me, is setting aside the angst. Isn’t “angst” a perfect word? It wraps itself around anger, dread, fear, disquiet, hostility, and others you might name. A perfect package to set aside, or put down. Divest yourself of a bit of weight. It’s difficult to face forward with anticipation, energy, or joy when you’re lugging a crate-load of hurt.
Laying down the angst is easier said than done – when that yummy piece of justifiable resentment crawls up my leg and leaps on my back wriggling in anticipation of its piggyback ride – I must untangle the octopus legs, lift the sorry mess up over my head and dump it back on the ground, with a “take that!”
I’m told it’s easier when an abuser acknowledges their role, and asks for forgiveness. I wouldn’t know. I suspect there are a lot of us out there whose abuser has never owned up to the abuse. What I do know is that not forgiving is like “drinking poison hoping the other person will die.” It doesn’t serve me well. So, I do and will continue to do the mind/heart labor of relinquishing my justifiable resentments bit by bit, piece by piece, day by day.
But I won’t forget. I will give our family’s experience voice because we sisters are worth it. I’ll give voice to abuse hoping others will be emboldened to step away from victim and reach for victory. I’ll give voice to those who are the loving arms enfolding a wounded child, for hope. I’ll give voice in quiet prayer that someone whose path is darkened by trauma now, will see light at the end of the tunnel.
Remembering, clarified by forgiveness, forges all that you encountered into the unique being that is you. Remembering gives you courage, voice. Remembering bequeaths compassion, empathy and the will to see to it that others don’t suffer as you did.
Forgive. But please don’t forget.
This article REALLY hit the spot. Best analysis ever. My millionaire father just died in July – and left out of his will his 3 abused children (I was the one sexually abused) in favor of his youngest and favorite daughter – and his step daughter. Really completed the rejection. I’m 64 years old and the pain of the abuse really is crawling up my leg and wanting a piggyback ride. And everyone just wants me to “forgive and forget!” Really? I’m giving them all this article. THANK YOU!!
You’re welcome! Give the article to every one of them. I’m sorry, Suzanne, for the rejection you experienced more recently from your father, and for the pain of your childhood. Laura
Beautifully written. I am so soory that you and your sister had to endure all of this. Forgiving is nearly impossible when a person is still afraid that she or he will be molested.
Thank you so much, Judy. And, you’re right. An at risk person is surviving the only way they know how. The work of forgiveness will come later. Thank you for your thoughtful response!