Some decisions cost more in the not making of them, than the making of them. I wrote The Fifth Sister in an effort to encourage, support, and empower the 42 million of us in the US who were sexually abused as children. I didn’t make that number up. It’s a stat from the CDC (Center for Disease Control) as of 2012. Forty-two million. I’m pretty sure that number has gone up, not down.
Back to the decision. I turned down a major TV network – twice. Their viewership boasts 83% of American households. I still shiver internally to have made this choice.
Why?
In April, as The Fifth Sister was launching, this network reached out to me to be a part of a new series. I was immensely flattered. The media company, my PR firm and I met by phone to discuss possibilities. My heart soared at the prospect that millions of people would hear and be encouraged by my story.
As negotiations began we learned more. I would be a one-hour episode in a weekly series of true stories. Okay. I would be filmed in interview format in New York City. Nice. I would need to bring pictures and mementoes from childhood. No problem. “What’s the series called?” I asked. They told me. The name itself horrified me. The series would focus on crime, rather like reality TV.
I might as well have been thrown in the tundra naked. My gut voiced its intuitive markers in tsunami swells. “May I see one you’ve already filmed?” I watched that rough-cut episode with rising tension. This was not the focus I wanted for my story. While it’s true that Dad would have been convicted as a felon in today’s legal system, my focus was and has always been empowering those I speak to and for. Empowerment. Victor, not victim. Thrive, not merely survive.
I discussed my concerns with someone well placed in the television industry, and was told that The Fifth Sister merited a standalone docudrama, or screenplay. I chose to decline the offer, for I was unwilling to sensationalize the criminal element of my personal story, without the balance of the promise of healing. I didn’t doubt the rightness of that choice, despite my disappointment. I told them I had great respect for their company, and should they be interested in a docudrama, I would be honored.
When they contacted me again, last week, we set up a conference call. My hope was that they were now coming at me to pursue the standalone docudrama idea. The reality was that they hoped they could change my mind. They wanted me for the original series. They would come to me this time, and film me on my home turf. I didn’t need to go to New York at all. I could talk about The Fifth Sister. They’d even film me on my SUP in the river. Could we do this just two weeks from now? They’d send two fully edited completed episodes for me to watch immediately. I said I’d think about it.
The moment I hung up the phone, my body kicked into “are you crazy?!?” mode. It was as if someone had taken one of those old-fashioned eggbeaters to my insides. I had trouble eating. I lay in bed awake long after midnight. Every electrical circuit in my brain was sending sizzling little zingers. “Listen to yourself,” I admonished. “Sort out why.”
In the wee small hours of the night, I got to work, internally. All my life, in the face of my history, I have tried to find dignity. Honor. To shape ugly into something valuable. With every ounce of creativity I possess, I sought to imbue the telling of a wretched story with authenticity, integrity, humor, honesty and hope. To allow someone (who, by the way, never read the book, simply the New York Post’s article on me) to funnel down my life’s work to a reality TV-like crime enactment piece would be to lose a piece of me. More, I would betray my own trust in the telling of my story. I promised me I wouldn’t do this, and finally fell asleep.
In the morning, after four hours sleep, I watched the two TV ready episodes, complete with horror film music overlaying a dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere. Confirmation.
I wrote the PR firm of my decision, and sent them a draft of an email I would send to the network. Tossing a grenade would have had similar effect. Sorry to hear this. Let’s talk. This was platform building. There was undoubtedly some way we could maintain creative control. It was implied that I needed to pay my dues. In my mind to have done this would be akin to the casting couch. I’m pretty sure I have paid my dues. If there are more to be paid, I’ll do it, just not this way.
It’s gone now, the offer. My radar sweeps without incident. Yet, every week I hear from adults who were abused as children. How my story validated their own. How they shared it with a friend or family member. Or, thanking me for giving words to the feelings they didn’t know how to express. I may have served me, but did I do the right thing for the 42 million? I am so second guessing myself right now.
Laura, you know how much I support you in your decision! By saying “no” you are saying “yes” to all those who have overcome and flourished
I do know, Anna, and it means the world to me. Love you, lady!
I certainly agree with your decision. When cash flow is driving the media bus, you don’t always get to pick the highway to travel. You will be behind the wheel and in control of the true expression of your message. It’s coming…
Thank you, Bob. I’m holding on to that.
For what it is worth – my recent post on Facebook:
No one has to read this, but I have to write it. Groping is sexual assault. It is a crime. There are many different forms of sexual assault and groping is one of them. Most people are woefully uninformed about the prevalence of sexual assault on our young people. I spent almost 20 years teaching on the college/university level and that is where I learned the horror of the numbers.
Thank god there is someone who won’t sell her soul.
Thank you, Marilyn!
Once again, Laura, you’ve shown your resilient stamina– to say no to lesser things and stay on the high road (less traveled, isn’t it?). I pray that you will be rewarded with an opportunity you never dreamed possible! After all, we know Who is looking out for you!
Marti, thank you. Ah yes, the road less traveled. Thank you for your support, both in words and spirit!
You are and always have been true to yourself. Authentic! That is the problem for mass media – you are not putty! You are you. You are true. And perhaps the 42 million will hear your voice a little bit later but that much louder! Never question. Never doubt. Just remember whenever you do… you are on to something bigger than life!!!!It’s just around the corner. I see it, smell it and know it.
What a lift you gave me, Anouschka! Thank you for your kind words, and for hope – just around the corner. I love that. It’s funny, when my daughter was young and we’d go hiking, she’d ask when were we going to get ‘there.’ I’d say, “Just around the corner, honey.” Then it became our standard reply to impatience. The whatever-it-was, was ‘just around the corner.’ I’ll hold on to your thought! Thank you.
Sending you so much love and gratitude for listening to your true self, to your inner radar, and having the wisdom to see the exploitative factor in their offer to you. Prurience will not be rewarded, rubber-necking of the most callous type will not be allowed, and your story will remain the shining inspiration and beacon of hope that it is.
Thank you, Georgia. Instinct is such a precious piece, isn’t it? I’m feeling your love and, oh how I’m soaking it in right now.
Laura, after sending uou an email just now, I discovered the “why?” tag at the bottom of your original message. I think you are listening to the right internal voices.
You already have a platform; have you considered publishing a second book. That’s one way to get the word out to a wider audience while maintaing crative control
Oh, good, Keith – I’m glad you found the ‘why’ and link. And, thank you. Yes, I have several projects in the works right now, book wise.
I applaud you! Being true to yourself and who you are down deep inside cannot be anything but the most important target after years of figuring out who you truly are in the deepest sense. I have had a longstanding conviction that sharing my story in ways that will be spectacular, will only serve to make a spectacle of the person I discovered after peeling off all of the damage inflicted on me. And believe me, there were a ton of layers and the process took more than 2 decades to reach the place I’m at with myself today – finally feeling fully precious and worthwhile in an amazing and powerful way.
Thank you, Louise! Sp proud of you finding the precious, powerful you. You are amazing.
Hello Laura
Your decision is always the right decision because you made it.
Thank you, John!
I have been following your storyhere and I keep forgetting to order the book. I will do it today. I don’t know about platform building – I can see why they wanted you to have the publicity, but oh my….listening to yourself is important. So often we label our feelings as being wrong – yet you and I know emotions tell us something. If doing such a thing is right, your emotions still have something to say – and until it’s all been sorted out, it seems to me you are right in listening to them and to yourself. I do appreciate the questioning and second guessing. I think you are brave to say no.
Thank you, Carol. At the core of me I know it was right – for me.
Good for you. Integrity is everything.
Thank you, Bill, so very much.
I have even more respect for you with that decision. You- your story- points a way of hope.
Thank you, Phil. Hope is the patina on tomorrow, isn’t it?
Wow – such a nice narrative of your thoughts and how you are being true to yourself and others who need sensitivity – not sensationalism. And your powerful intuition led you to a comfortable (and correct) decision. Many people would in that situation would have been swayed by the potential fame and popularity of the TV appearances – but you held true to your values and your deeper purpose.
Sometimes we have a hard time hearing our whispering, intuitive voice, until we stray too far – and that same voice becomes a scream!! HA!
Thanks for sharing this episode in your path. It gives all of us a reminder to listen to our deeper values and to be true to ourselves!
Thank you, Bud. I’d make the same decision again, but oh the tangle of emotions!
You made the right decision!!!!
Thank you, Joy. You matter, as does your opinion!