Forgive, but please don’t forget. Forgive and forget are not synonymous, although my background would suggest they are. All my life it was “forgive and forget,” which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense – if you’re my parents. Forgetting was the same as pretending it, whatever “it” was, never happened in my family. Michelle had my dad’s baby? Erase her off the whiteboard of our life. No pictures, no reference allowed, no contact. She, the victim, was shunned. Sent away and forgotten. Except, of course, she wasn’t. She was a terrible wound that festered just beneath the surface of our … [Read more...]
How to Listen and Respond if Your Child Discloses Molestation
In all the world, Teresa (not her real name) never thought it would happen to her. One of her children, the middle of five, caused a seismic shift in the landscape of their family when she haltingly disclosed that her daddy was molesting her. Of course her daughter didn’t use the word molestation; she was nine. Teresa remembers stirring a soup she was making for dinner – she’d just added a pinch more salt – when Libby made what seemed to be an offhand statement that turned Teresa icy cold. The spoon halted above the pot as she froze, not believing what her ears just heard. It’s funny how a … [Read more...]
Holidays Can Be Tough – My Father Died on Thanksgiving Day
Dad died Thanksgiving morning several years ago. To write “dad died” unleashes a snarl of tangled emotions. Love, loss, wishful thinking, anger, ‘if only’s’, why?, longing, forever… I loved that man with wholehearted abandon, until loving him was no longer safe. Even then I longed for what I once had with him. It was early Thanksgiving morning when my sister called with the news. My husband asked, “What would you like to do? We could stay home.” Our plans for the day were to drive to the Russian River and be thankful with friends, to hike, dine together, make music, and connect … [Read more...]
Six Steps to Healing from Child Sexual Abuse
I remember the day I knew I wasn’t crazy. My dad, who had a black belt in manipulation, was the strategist behind the custody war for my children - on behalf of my soon to be ex-husband. At the heart of this maelstrom, lay my shattered self. I'd discovered that my dad was still molesting, my marriage was over, and neither my parents nor my children's father minded aiming through my kids to get at me. I was in this mess because I'd had the audacity to speak the truth about our incestuous family, and was in the process of removing grandparent rights, in protection of my children. A … [Read more...]
Behavior Changes in Children May Signal Child Sexual Abuse
Every Saturday night the Walsh families gathered for dinner, music, and cousin time. There were nine children, ranging in age from four to fifteen. It was boisterously good fun. Kids catapulted across the lawn playing games, adults BBQ’d, and set tables for dinner. The swing hanging from an old oak tree was in constant use. Later that night, Jamie strapped her five-year-old exhausted noodle-like daughter into her car seat, and slipped into the front. She took Paul’s hand as the dome light dimmed. He turned the music low and they drove home. Jamie wondered if Priscilla (Pru) might be … [Read more...]
Preventing Child Sexual Abuse: “Do’s and Don’ts” for Busy Parents
Nothing compares with the moments my children were born. My son offered his opinion of the process instantly with an indignant wail. I laughed in delight. My daughter, after being placed on my tummy, quietly contemplated me with her great big eyes. I melted in that gaze. I vowed to honor the individuality of each of them, to foster their uniqueness. I would guide them, teach them, keep them safe from harm, and lay down my life for them, if necessary, such was the magnitude of love, especially in those precious first moments. I had no idea the depth, the breadth, the enormity of what would … [Read more...]
Tips for a Survivor’s Spouse
We’re an exotic breed, we who were abused as kids. My husband would probably joke, “Exotic? That’s not quite how I’d define it…” I’ll ask him, and tell you a few paragraphs down. Nevertheless, it’s true. Exotic: strikingly, excitingly, or mysteriously different or unusual. Take “different or unusual” for a moment. I felt, as a child, a teenager, and then early adult that I had been plucked from a different planet and placed on earth. I walked around inside a body, but the core of me, all that was me, knew I carried the weight of the shame of our family. I was borderless, lost inside myself and … [Read more...]
Sunglasses On The Soul
I have a pair of expensive sunglasses, a gift from my husband on one of those decade birthdays. I love them. They surround my eyes in such a way that I can drive the boat, water ski or SUP (standup paddleboard) and not have sunlight momentarily blind me by its brightness or reflection off the water. My eyes feel like I’ve stepped into a shady forest glade when I slip on those gorgeous frames. Since expensive sunglasses aren’t my usual fare, it doesn’t hurt my spirit either. I’m not sure why my gymnastic mind took me from sunglasses to soul today, but it did. Recently I thought about the … [Read more...]
I Have Sinned, and Fallen Short
I have sinned…and fallen short…sort of. On Sunday my husband John and I went exploring. We drove to the St. Joe River (which empties into Lake Coeur d’Alene at the southern end) and then followed it up into the mountains. What a gloriously beautiful part of the world. We stopped along the way to take in a particularly lovely view, or historic markers, and to chat with a fisherman. It’s because of him I sinned. By the way, I love watching fly fishermen work the river. It’s a graceful art form. Really. But back to my sin. They say confession is good for the soul. I haven’t been on the … [Read more...]
Forgive But Don’t Forget
Please don’t forget. Forgive and forget are not synonymous, although my background would suggest they are. All my life it was “forgive and forget,” which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense – if you’re my parents. Forgetting was the same as pretending it, whatever “it” was, never happened in my family. Michelle had my dad’s baby? Erase her off the whiteboard of our life. No pictures, no reference allowed, no contact. She, the victim, was shunned. Sent away and forgotten. Except, of course, she wasn’t. She was a terrible wound that festered just beneath the surface of our lives, all … [Read more...]
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