Old voices. Old tapes. Family mores. And then there’s the history. Step off my family’s beaten path and reprisals were swift and carefully crafted to fell the wanderer. Once bested, the shepherd’s crook yanked the willful one back into the fold. I’ve been out of that fold for over thirty years now. I dodged the shepherds crook, protected my kids, and guaranteed that I couldn’t be trifled with by my parents. And still these childhood lessons insinuate. I find it amusing, no, that’s not quite the right word…curious how my mind works. Over coffee on our deck one morning, I told my husband that … [Read more...]
Family Secrets
All families have history, which is a euphemism for “skeletons in the closet.” They are alluded to, whispered about. Perhaps they become family folklore. Usually, there’s something about the story the family doesn’t want to talk about at all. I don’t know if my siblings know that our Nana Kaye married to escape her sexually abusive father. Because of him, my paternal grandparents left Kansas to homestead in Montana. I know this because Nana Kaye told me. I did not know about my Nana the day Stephanie had had enough. Stephanie was my high school chemistry lab partner the year we were in … [Read more...]
“Knock, knock. Who’s There?”
It’s been said that children laugh, on average, 300 – 400 times a day. Whether scientifically proven or not, that makes me smile. Nothing touches my heart more than to hear my children laugh. And my grandchildren? They open my heart wide. When a child laughs uninhibitedly, a big long sustained-to-their-very-core laugh, don’t you laugh delightedly right along with them? Videos of belly laughing babies go viral. Last weekend, my husband and my son were away at a magical place they visit each summer. I had my grandsons overnight. I’d picked them up later than usual, as I’d been interviewed … [Read more...]
A Woodshed Sort of Night
I recently had an unhappy night, filled with restless moments and memories. A woodshed sort of night. You know about the woodshed, yes? The place you take yourself for a good whooping. Parker Palmer says, in his book Let Your Life Speak, “No punishment anyone might inflict on me could possibly be worse that the punishment I inflict on myself by conspiring in my own diminishment.” My woodshed is well designed, artfully appointed with the faces of those whose voices I will forever need to quell, and although visited less often now than times past, I occasionally find myself within its … [Read more...]
Keepers of the Lie
It was a footnote that changed my life. I had an amazing therapist. In the course of our work together he would occasionally suggest I read a particular book, or watch a movie and tell him what value it had for me. What was the lesson to be learned? The “Aha” moment? This week he invited me to read People of the Lie, by M. Scott Peck. It is not an easy read – but back to the footnote. A healthy person has an instinct to get away from something dangerous. Sometimes even healthy emotions may appear negative at first glance. Revulsion, for example. Who likes the idea of revulsion? But it … [Read more...]
Lolita? I Don’t Think So
In a discussion with my first husband about my dad impregnating my sister, his comment was, “She probably tried to seduce him.” I’m sure I hissed in stunned horror. And then he followed with, “Well, she WAS thirteen.” I wanted to scream, or run endlessly to subdue the rush of angry feelings that someone could be so ignorant, so insensitive to the devastation this girl experienced – her childhood interrupted, her innocence betrayed. I don’t know when my father “bent” or why. I asked the question endlessly while in therapy. If I could understand it, I could more readily deal with it. … [Read more...]
The Whistleblower
Whistle-blower: Someone who reveals something covert, or informs against someone. I don’t care for the implications of the synonyms: snitch, squealer, tattler, tattletale and other less flattering words. But there you have it according to Merriam Webster. When I was young, I started a dictionary according to Laura. In it were neologisms – words like: fantabulous, bass-ackwards, nummy-duff (yogurt, according to my infant daughter) be-lax (relax), be-post (a recent entry, meaning ‘supposed’ courtesy of my grandson). So, I’m going to give two nuances to the term “whistleblower” – according to … [Read more...]
Trust Gone Missing
The other day my daughter and I were talking – babies, weather, conditions of the heart, and exercise. I’d gone out on the water that day (Stand-Up-Paddleboard – SUP) for nearly two hours. She said, “I think I’d be bored.” Neither she nor I much like swimming because we find it boring, although we know people love it. Or indoor stuff, like treadmills or stationary anything. You’re not going anywhere, right? At least it feels that way to her and me. But the next morning I was out my board, and I doubted me. Should I be bored? Was there a better way? And for a few minutes, I was impatient … [Read more...]
The Only Way Out – Is Through
The other day the river invited me to play. I fetched my paddle board, opted against a wetsuit given the sunny day, strapped the leash to my right ankle, and took off. It was a perfect morning. Fluffy clouds dotted an azure sky, the air was calm, the water mirror smooth. I headed east, against the current. The normal zen that comes with being at one with nature took hold, and I plied the river in complete solitude. Forty minutes into my river run I reversed direction for home and stared with disbelief at the sky. Dark clouds had replaced fluffy ones. Fifty yards ahead, wind skiffed water … [Read more...]
What about the Duggar Girls?
I confess, I had to look up who Jim Bob Duggar was. I didn’t know the Duggar name. I’d never watched 19 Kids and Counting. Yet, the moment I read In Touch Weekly’s breaking story, my heart flew to the Duggar girls. I’ve been interviewed by In Touch Weekly and Entertainment Tonight Insider, and read commentary by people I admire, and by some I don’t. I’ve asked questions, and answered others. Much is headlined about Josh Duggar and his parents – but I’ve seen little about the girls, other than that they were in fact, molested. What about these girls? I was asked by the reporter from In … [Read more...]
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