I recently slogged my way out of a series of losses. Though I talked of grief overlays, or cumulative grief, I didn’t address how one might do the work of addressing the presence of it in one’s life. So, let’s talk about overlays, a cumulative grief. Ideally, one would experience loss, talk about it, think about it, sob with it, write about it, process it: Repeat. But what does one do when grief upon grief upon grief stacks one on the other? Was I weak to falter under the load? Shouldn’t I be sturdy enough having spent a lifetime perfecting resilience to find it now? I ran aground early … [Read more...]
Unraveled
I want both my eyes. I want to see with the ease I did when both worked. To expect depth perception to remain constant. To see my wine glass and pour into it, instead of all over a countertop. One of my eye docs joked all I needed was a bigger glass. I want to stop attempting to round square corners by walking into them. To see the difference a stair makes. To watch a wall of water thrown by a surf boat and accurately gauge my SUP response to it. To stop saying “I’m sorry,” to someone I’ve just hit with my left arm as I pointed to something or turned into them because they weren’t … [Read more...]
How Big Is Your ‘But’?
Stella leaned forward, hands clasped, eyes filled with pain as she unfolded another layer of their troubled lives. James sat quietly as he listened, having chosen to be with us on retreat for the sake of their failing marriage. “We have stopped being kind to each other. Our words are harsh, our tone hard. When we yield a point or say ‘I’m sorry’ it’s taken away by ‘I’m sorry, but you make me so damn angry’ or ‘but you know I don’t like when you…’ or ‘I’m sorry. But was it really that big of deal? Because it doesn’t feel like that big a deal.’” Each partnership is unique, made up of who she … [Read more...]
A Strong Woman Looks a Challenge Dead in the Eye and Gives It a Wink
I really like the sense of confidence of that word picture. The stand a little straighter, shoulders back, and a by-George, spunky wink. I must confess, however, that just as I am less than adept at the wit of a clever comeback, a wink is not generally how I have faced adversity. Mine is more the kicking and screaming as I’m hauled into adversity by hook or crook to find myself plonked on my proverbial tusch staring into the eyes of, well, a challenge of epic proportions. I mean, a little misfortune, sure. Luggage lost, delayed plane, forgotten appointment… Perhaps even the decimation of a … [Read more...]
New Beginnings
What will this day be like? I wonder. What will my future be? I wonder. It should be so exciting, To be out in the world, To be free. My heart should be wildly rejoicing. Oh, what's the matter with me? It has been a year to the day since my accident turned our life upside down. I find it fitting, in a full circle sort of way, that on this day we move into our new home. New beginnings, quite different from those of a year ago. That day when my eye was smatterized by a cat-o-nine-tails, and I instantly lost my sight, I turned away from my grandboys and roared into the sky, … [Read more...]
Grit
I first saw him on a Monday. In a sea of tanned toned bodies jogging or roller blading along Newport Beach’s strand he compelled my attention. He dragged his mostly unresponsive legs using canes that attached to his arm as he crossed the path to sand. Young, with dark hair a little too long to keep out of his eyes, he struggled forward. My balcony faced the sea and afforded me a Discovery Channel perspective of the Pacific Ocean and now of him. Six to eight feet into the sand he began an oval perhaps thirty feet long, out ten feet toward the ocean, north thirty feet and back round. When … [Read more...]
